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Where's the instruction book for parenting?

Unfortunately, there isn’t one!

Most of us were never taught to be parents. So we can’t help but disappoint ourselves sometimes. How often have you heard yourself using the very words you hated hearing from your own parents?

When our children become teenagers, it gets even harder. They seem to reject everything we’ve taught them. As far as they’re concerned, we know nothing. Our values and beliefs are constantly challenged. Every word we utter is seen as interference. Emotions run high.

But we’re more important to our teenagers than ever. As they try out the values of their peers, who are very influential, we counter the pull of drugs, alcohol and early sex. These entangle children every day and can ruin their lives, although you need to remember that experimentation is normal and part of how young people learn. It's about getting the balance right.

It’s worth trying to remember how it was for you when you were young – not what you did, but how you felt. Does the following ring any bells? (insert imagine if….)

Fortunately, there are some basic 'techniques' which can help a parent. Don’t expect to get it right all the time, but do keep trying.

Getting along with your teenager

Here are some ideas and techniques you can try to improve you relationship with your teenager. If they don’t work at first, keep trying. They take practice.

• Hug them! Apologise if you’re wrong!
• Make time for your teenager. Find an activity you enjoy doing together and pursue it. If your invitations are declined, keep asking.
• Listen, really listen. Because parents have so much to do and so little time, we often try to listen while cleaning, washing dishes or fixing the car. Put your chores aside so your teenager knows you’re really paying attention.
• Take the long view. Don’t treat minor mishaps as major catastrophes. Choose the important issues. Don’t make your home a battleground.
• Tolerate differences. View your teenager as an individual distinct from you. This doesn’t mean you can't state your opinion if you disagree.
• Respect your teenager’s privacy. If a behaviour is worrying you, speak up.
• Let your teenagers sort things out themselves. Never say that you know how your teenager feels. They believe their feelings are new and personal, are unique. They’ll learn otherwise-without your help. And never imply that their feelings don’t matter or will change. Because teenagers live in the present, it doesn’t matter that they’ll soon feel differently.
• Don’t judge. State facts instead of opinions when you praise or criticize.  Stating facts like 'Your poem made me smile' or 'This report is all Cs and Ds!' leaves it up to your teenager to draw the appropriate conclusions. Teenagers are sensitive about being judged-positively as well as negatively.
• Be generous with praise. Praise your child’s efforts, not just accomplishments. And don’t comment on the person. 'You’re a great artist' is hard to live up. 'I loved that drawing' is a fact and comes from your heart.
• Set reasonable limits. Teenagers need them.  Your rules should be consistently applied, and rooted in your deepest beliefs and values. But be prepared to negotiate. This will show your teenager you are reasonable - they will be more likely to agree to do things your own way sometimes too!
• Teach your teenager to make sensible decisions and choices by encouraging independence and letting your teenager make mistakes. Don’t step in unless you have to.    

Dealing With Anger

How to make anger work:

• All parents get furious at their children. We can't help it. But some parents feel bad about being angry and keep quiet. Though its easy to say things in anger that you don’t mean, anger can also spark talks that will help you and your teenager get to know each other better.

Some guidelines:

• When you get mad, don’t blame or accuse. Say how you FEEL – annoyed, irritated, upset, etc. - and why. Be specific. Talk facts. 
• Blaming only forces a teenager to argue his point, arouses tempers, and kills communication.
• Think solution, not victory. Don’t try to win arguments.
• Stick to the present incident. Fighting old battles will only aggravate a situation.
• Be careful not to attack your teenager’s person or character.  Say 'I’m furious that you didn’t clean up after the mess you made!' – not 'You’re a lazy slob!' Your son or daughter may give up trying to improve.
• If the situation is touchy, put your ideas in a letter. You can say exactly what you mean – and your teenager will have time to think it over before answering.

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