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They've come home - what happens now?

For most children and young people, running away is a cry for help – it’s a sign that something else is going on. The last thing they are thinking about when they run is how it will affect you and the rest of the family. Young people tell us that often they begin to think about their families while they are away and then worry about coming home and the reaction they’ll get.

It’s important that you do not react in anger when you see them/speak to them. Of course you have been worried sick and of course you are angry that they haven’t given you a thought. But being angry won't encourage them to open up to you and tell you what they’re worried about and unless the problem is dealt with, they are likely to run again.

Let them know you love them and you want to help. Be prepared to turn to other people (see useful contacts) and ask for their help. Young people often find it difficult to open up to their parents (particularly if the problem is partly to do with you or with something or someone they know you wont approve of!).  Remember – asking for help is positive – it doesn’t mean you’re a failure!

Be prepared to make some changes yourself! If your child/teenager has issues with you, it may be very uncomfortable for you to have to accept. If you can show them that you accept you may have made mistakes, you’re much more likely to get them to admit they have too! Sorting out the problem is a lot more productive than deciding whose faults things are!

Below is some information about common reasons why children and young people run away. It may help you to understand what’s happening to your runaway, but be careful not to jump to conclusions.

Why young people run

Child abuse

Some studies say that as many as 90 percent of the youngsters who leave home in an unplanned way do so because of child abuse – they have been physically, sexually, or emotionally hurt or taken advantage of. Youngsters who are abused are sometimes afraid to tell anyone. Some fear they will get their abuser in trouble or will be hurt even more, some are embarrassed; some may have even been told they deserve the abuse. Sometimes leaving home can seem like the only answer.

Family conflict

Common to almost all families of runaways is a breakdown in communication. Young people start to feel no one listens to them and their opinions and feelings are not important or respected.

Every family experiences different pressures and has different ways of coping with them.  In some families, the stress creates unbearable fights; in others, family members become silent. Either way, a youngster may feel alone, unloved or unwanted.

·Separation, divorce, death, a new stepparent, a new baby, financial worries, a move – all these create strains between family members. At times, adjusting to the change can be particularly difficult. Many youngsters who run away complain about difficulties getting along with stepparents, and of feeling left out in the new family or unsupported by their own parents.

Parental problems

Some parents find it difficult to cope with their own lives. Some do drugs or drink to escape.  Others have psychiatric problems.  In either case, the situations they create can be difficult for a youngster to cope with. They can make young people and other family members feel hurt or embarrassed. At times, they can be dangerous, or create dangerous situations for others.

Family responsibilities

Sometimes young people feel responsible for taking care of parents or brothers and sisters and can get overwhelmed. Parents under stress at times depend on teens to be adult-like. Some young people feel the only way to ease this burden is to leave.

Unrealistic expectations

Some parents hold hard-to-achieve expectations for their children. Feeling pressured, these children feel their only choice is to leave.

Difficulty letting young people grow up

At times, its difficult for parents to help their young people become adults. Deciding what decisions are appropriate and what rules to enforce is no easy task. Some parents fear their children may make wrong and dangerous decisions. In turn, their children feel the only way they can grow up is to leave.

Personal problems

Peers and school are very important to young people.  If they have difficulty on either front, they might look for an escape. Some get depressed and withdraw. Others turn to drugs or alcohol. Still others run away with the hope that a new place will make things better and they will find new friends who will accept them.

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